Ninten-coal in the Stocking

Have a sibling/relative/significant other that has vexed you
all year? Why not show this person how much they’ve disappointed you (and Mr.
Claus) with a Wii game with infuriating controls. Sure, you could buy them one
of the Conspiracy/Destination/Destineer $20 games, but as a tech-gaming reader
you are far too classy for that. So in the spirit of Christmas, we present
buyers with four games to spare the joy, and share the hurt:

SSX Blur– While 90% of this game controls well, using the
Nunchuck and C-stick to turn your snowboarder, ‘Ubertricks’ are a different
beast. On previous incarnations of SSX, “Ubers” (as they are affectionately
called by fans) were performed with different combinations of the shoulder
buttons. Without shoulder buttons on the Wiimote, changes had to be made. Now SSX
Blur shows you a shape on-screen, that you have to draw blindly with the Wiimote.
The process wouldn’t be inconceivably hard if you could see what you are
drawing, Okami-style. Hell, when I try to draw a heart with a pencil and paper
is looks lopsided half the time.

Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz– What the title gains in
word-play, it loses in control. Sure, the main game controls well for the first
few levels, then things get Wiimote-through-the-LCD tough. But this frustration
seems to be a part of the game design; the real agony comes from many of the
mini games. Some of these have the player move the Wiimote through physical 3D
space- you play a variation of Whack-a-Mole by moving the Wiimote left and
right, but also closer and farther away from the television. The effect feels uncannily
like drunkenness; there is a nearly incomprehensible divide between your real
life motions and your on-screen actions. We prefer to call Super Monkey Ball:
Banana Blitz a V.I.S, a Virtual Inebriation Simulator.

Red Steel– Red Steel’s control problems have been well documented
since its release a year ago.  Yet, we
still get all warm and fuzzy when we see our on-screen hand get all twisted and
discombobulated in ways that defy human physiology. It‘s like all the bones
have been broken in the protagonists hand. Red Steel takes the honors of being
the first game to use a ragdoll skeletal model. Let’s hope it’s the last.

Donkey Kong Barrel Blast– Originally designed to use the
Nintendo Bongos, the game was revamped, and Wii controls were forcibly inserted.
Now, you move the Wiimote and Nunchuck up and down to simulate drumming.
Turning has nearly been removed from the game, and it feels like the player is
on a slot car track. The game seems to designed for small children with
hyperactivity; sadly, its slow speed won’t keep them interested for long.